I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
A duv-egg? In this economy?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.