I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My favorite farside!!
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*