I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day