*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
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It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Room with a view.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.