*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I think the cat got the dog high.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
