Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

Hit me in the face with a bird

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

the three branches of government

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant