Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

Everyone is getting idioter.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.