Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.