I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
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god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Sounds like a real hoot.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
tag yourself
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy