Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready