Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

shakira sharkira

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.