a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”