Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
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My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
“We will wed,” I threatened
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.