The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
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Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Close call…
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord