Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!