“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
