@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
but that was my emotional support daylight
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago