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My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies