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Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti