Oh yeh? Explain this then
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Smile they said.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext