The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
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Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
According to math, I’m broke
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.