Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

Time heals everything 🙂

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?