Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
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[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Just so funny
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
