Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
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Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I hate when that happens.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Good morning.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
this is me
