Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂