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Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Friday night party time 🥳
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
me before I type out affect or effect
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
