My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
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Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Tough love is true love
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
marvel comics have peaked
