Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

Stop sending me this shit.

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.