Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.