Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

I have so many questions.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

10: I think I want to run the 10k

Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like