Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*