Alarms are for people without children or puppies
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Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Pro tip for my good boys out there
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.