It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
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3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
bat life
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
every single time
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
