Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Nothing.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.