Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Do not go gentle into that good night,
