The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
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Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Whisper out to librarians!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder