Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
You Might Also Like
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?