Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

I am crying

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how