oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
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If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
About to form my very first opinion
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.