Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!