Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
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A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”