At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
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They say women only use 10% of their anger
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.