At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
You Might Also Like
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
#CatsOnTwitter
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.