Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist