FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.