(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
You Might Also Like
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.