It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
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I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.