Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
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Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Guantanamo Bae
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.