Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

felt that

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

Well, that should do it

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

Cheers Twitter.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential