My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
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If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*