Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.