Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
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A Parenting Story
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
🔦🌙👣
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
