Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
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Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
worst…sale…ever
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-