Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
